And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i will never coherently bang her
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
