I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
