I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
