Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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