he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
