so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
