She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
