was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
