I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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