he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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