I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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