i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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