When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
