Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize