i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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