I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
