i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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