Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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