Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
