I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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