i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
pray to the hookup gods
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
