Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
