I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
