i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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