I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
