While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
