dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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