Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
