the condom got lost in my hair
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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