So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just googled if crying burns calories
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
