it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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