i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
