I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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