The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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