I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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