I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
