I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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