was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize