This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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