you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize