From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
