that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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