the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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