i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
