Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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