I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
