he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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