So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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