Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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