so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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