Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
