Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
