Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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