I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think my moral compass just broke
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