im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
