he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
