help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
