Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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