Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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