So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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