1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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