Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
